Commemorative Plate Hell and other things we should learn to live without

Every Sunday newspaper brings with it many advertisements for useful as well as entirely useless "What the HELL were they thinking" things.



What the HELL were they thinking?

The prize this week goes to whomever decided monkeys were really cute and marketed this (photo at right). 

In my opinion, the only cute monkey is the one behind bars in a zoo, or running wild in some place I'll never encounter it. I personally find monkeys rather . . . disgusting.

Curious George,
who was a good little monkey
and always curious.
newton.lib.ia.us

Except for Curious George.  Who was, as we all know, a good little monkey and always curious. 

I don't know what it is.  Perhaps there are more people in this world with a large amount of expendable income who are really into collecting this sort of thing. 

I have nothing against people who want to collect things, because I have my fair share of "collections" like books, stickers, and stationery products that I use up, and fabric (which I also use up) and stuff like that.  But - I really wonder WHY in the world would anybody want to collect a statue of a monkey named "Mollie" who is wearing a toddler girl outfit and not looking at all the least bit cuddly? Oh, and this object can be had "for 5 interest-free installments of just $29.99" (that translates into just $149.95, if you don't want to do the math).

Michaelangelo's David
garden-statues.com

What .... did Michaelangelo create this creepy looking monkey, and thus justify the cost?

Princess Diana & Prince Charles
Too bad he turned into a frog
thriftshop.net

I think not.

The next worst thing, I think, would be to start purchasing commemorative plates.  I know I want to memorialize Princess Diana & Prince Charles, Elvis (young and swinging, as well as old and pudgy), the Beatles, and various objects that let the world know how materialistic I really am - like motorcycles, antique cars, and whatnot.

"Now they're singing for Jesus."
sonic.net

I'm thinking my personal favorite, though is this one.

For all I know, Jesus liked Elvis's gospel tunes as well as the irrepressibly danceable "Jailhouse Rock."  He might also have greatly enjoyed "Thriller" and "She's Outta my Life." Perhaps Jesus even, for a time, donned a sparkled glove and slicked his hair back in an Elvis-style pompadour.

Somehow though, the image of Our Savior with his arms outstretched and upraised in the background of a man in black who looks like a circus clown and a man who looks, without his mic, like he might be ready to vomit, doesn't strike me as particularly - reverent - let alone like He is happy to have Elvis and Michael bopping about in the heavenly clouds.

I wonder, instead, if our Savior is saying, "Aw come on Dad, do I HAVE to have my picture taken for a commemorative plate with these two?  I mean, I like Elvis - he was a good boy and loved his mother (Jesus, and America, too), and I know Michael was a good boy when he was a boy, but - well, I'm really not sure this is an image I want to portray to our faithful, Dad . . . Can I take a rain check?"



Ten Things I'd like to tell Other Parents (but probably won't)

This week's idea comes from Mama Kat, who wanted to hear the ten things other people told me about my parenting skills (unsolicited advice, of course - because it's the best kind, right?). Aside from hearing, periodically, that my children's misbehavior is due to "poor parenting," I can't think of anything more insulting to say.

Instead, I'm going to insult everyone else and list the top ten things I'd like to say to other parents - but probably never will, because then they might hit me.

1.  It's cold out.  I see you're wearing a jacket and a hat, but your tyke isn't. What the hell is wrong with you? Cover that baby up!


articles.sfgate.com
ok - this kid is old enough to know
better - but when they aren't old enough,
PARENTS are supposed to take care of
things.

 2.   Will you please wipe that child's nose? It's obviously dripping, and just ignoring it isn't going to make it go away.  Neither is pretending you don't see when the child wipes his/her nose on the shopping cart.



flickr.com
PUHLEEZE WIPE THIS NOSE NOW!

 3.  When the entire waiting room can smell poop, and your child is the only one in diapers, would you please quit gassing the rest of us and go change the diaper? Your child will thank you, and so will the rest of us. (Yes, this happened once, in a doctor's waiting room).

4.  Do you *really* think it's appropriate for your little girl to wear shorts or sweatpants that read "JUICY" across the butt? Again, what the hell is wrong with you?

5.  Is it *really* necessary to schedule your child for non-stop activities? Does your child ever get to just be a kid, and have some down-time for non-scheduled, non-adult supervised play? You know, like back in the good old days, when the kid could say, "Going for a bike ride," and mom would call out, "Be home for dinner"?



mormonchic.com
Divide this little picture up into 8 more
segments, now. And throw in a couple
more kids, to boot.

6.  No, I don't want to hear your little darling sing the Alphabet song or George Carlin's list of words you can't say on t.v. just because I happen to be a captive audience.

7.  Is it wise to allow your third grader to watch R-rated slasher flicks like "Friday the 13th"? I realize they're probably too old for Winnie the Pooh, but somehow Freddy Krueger doesn't seem like much of an age-appropriate improvement.



flickr.com
Freddy - your kid's new
bff

 8.  Yeah, I know the kids are corralled in a tight space and it isn't the most ideal situation, and sometimes you have to bring the kids because the baby-sitter arrangements fell through at the last minute.  And I know that even the most well-behaved kids will act up (and out) at the most inopportune and inappropriate times.  However, it's really not fair to the rest of us to be witness to your child/ren's rampaging all over the waiting room (or other public area) while you hide behind your book or newspaper.  Please - will you keep an eye on your children and quit making the village watch out for their safety?



aztextpress.wordpress.com
What a sweetheart!


9.  It's ok to discipline your child in public and private. I don't agree with public beatings, slaps, smacks, throwdowns, etc. But it's perfectly fine to firmly say, "No" and stick by it.  It's hard at first, but believe me - your child, and the rest of the people s/he interacts with, will thank you some day.


sodahead.com
But dad, I've heard YOU say
that word!

 10.  I know it's always 10:00 a.m. somewhere, but here it happens to be 10:00 p.m.  The toddler in your grocery cart is obviously overwrought and exhausted, cranky, and irritable.  Do you honestly expect us to believe that 10:00 p.m. is the *only* time you can get out to the store to get those critical items you need, like your thong panties and 6-pack? Do your child a favor and GO HOME and put that poor child to bed.



shutterstock.com
Take that poor kid home
and put him to bed!

Deliver us from Summer Fashion

Summer is almost over. 

I hope that means a deliverance from the following Hideous Fashion Trends We Wish Would Disappear Forever:



thesun.co.uk

 Usually, the sock & sandal combo I see with men is black socks with sandals. 

Really - why socks with sandals? Doesn't it defeat the purpose of cooler feet? It certainly isn't stylish, so that can't be it.  The only age group that can carry off socks and sandals are very little girls. Knock it off, people!



pauloflaherty.com





hocuspukeus.deviantart.com

Enough already with the muffin top jeans and other pants.  Please.  It looks like hell, it isn't flattering to any body let alone anybody, regardless of weight or fitness level.



zimbio.com
I still don't know what's going on with Beyonce's shorts in these photographs.  Is that a pocket hanging out?





laikepo.blogspot.com

 Can we abolish shorty-shorts and ultra-mini skirts? Unless you're posing for a men's magazine, that is.  Otherwise, shorty-shorts and ultra-mini skirts . . . ugh.    And the woman in the mini-skirt.  That patch of denim looks more like an ineffective bandage.



kittyklan.livejournal.com
Forever solves the mystery of "boxers or briefs."



abcnews.go.com

I still haven't figured out how wearing your jeans below your butt cheeks could possibly be comfortable or stylish.  Many say the style originated in prison , as a way to advertise the man's availability as a sexual partner. 

Whatever the reason, I find it laughable when I tune in to a show like COPS and see some baggy-pantsed guy trying to flee and elude, but his pants are literally tripping him up.  Talk about "dumb criminals."  Get some suspenders, dude. Better yet - get pants that fit.

Wait a minute. How could I possibly aid and abet any criminal wanna-be?  On second thought, keep those baggy pants.  We lock and load at my house, but those baggy pants could be the big tip-off to the neighbors that you're an undesirable person to have around.  Call 911!

Not to mention you look just plain foolish with your pants on the ground.

Wouldn't it have been interesting if this Voice of Reason

had made the American Idol finals?



holytaco.com
I bet her parents are proud.



whaletailworld.com

I don't care what kind of underwear you wear.  Boxers, briefs, granny tighty-whities, bikinis, thongs.  Do I have to see them?  Is it absolutely necessary for everyone in public to witness the turning and churning of your other cheeks as you walk down the street?  For Chrissakes, will you either pull up your pants or pull your shirt down so I don't need eye wash for the rest of my life?

What summer trends do you wish would disappear forever?

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