Kids: Life's Great Paradox

More accurately, the title should read, "Kids: Our attitude toward them is paradoxical." Is paradoxical even a word?





thundafunda.com

• We can't wait to have children.  Then, we have them.  To paraphrase Shrek,  "They poop and they cry and they cry when they poop and they eat and they cry and they cry when they eat and then they poop some more. . ." and we say, "Man, I can't wait until this kid is potty trained and sleeps through the night." 
• When the kids were potty trained, it was like getting a pay raise.  When they slept through the night, we still woke up at 3 a.m. and would tiptoe into the bedroom and make sure they were still breathing.
 



andyspiders.com

• We love holding the babies.  They're small, cherubic, warm, snuggly.  And we say, "Holy cow, I can't wait until this kid is old enough to walk because my back is killing me from carrying him/her all over, wherever we go."  Then, the kid learns to walk and we wish for a way to corral him so he stays out of mischeif.
 



gmhightechperformance.com

• At first, we're so thrilled to see and own every piece of baby paraphernelia known to mankind.  Then, as baby grows, we say, "This crap is expensive! What do we need that for?" And you buy it anyway.  You say, "I can't wait until they outgrow this stuff and we don't have to buy it anymore."
• Then, we discover by around age sixteen, the price of the kid's toys has gone up considerably.
 



youngadults.about.com

• Our kids drive us crazy, we think, and we say we can't wait until the move out of the house.  No more waiting up nights, wondering if they're all right while they're out with their friends.  No more hollering, "Turn down that music!" or "Take out the trash!" or "Did you do your homework?"  Then, the kids are off to college, or moving out "for good," and suddenly we wish they were home, again.
 



maternitybykoren.com

• We say, "Just wait until you have kids of your own," because we feel we are superior in our knowledge that our own kids will be driven absolutely crazy like we were.  We say, "I hope you have a kid just. . . like. . . yourself." And we mean it, for every time our kids were sullen, snotty, sweet, caring, kind, wise. . ." And then, our kids have kids and suddenly we feel old - because we're grandparents, and in holding that grandchild, we suddenly remember what it was like to hold our own for the very first time - and how we were so thrilled to have that new life.  And then we remember that it's time for the 3 a.m. feeding and we say, "They poop and they cry and they cry when the poop. . ."

As my daughter said to me the other day, "What is it with grown ups? One day they want us to be babies, and the next day they want us to be grown up."

I said, "Just wait until you have kids of your own."

Deliver us from Summer Fashion

Summer is almost over. 

I hope that means a deliverance from the following Hideous Fashion Trends We Wish Would Disappear Forever:



thesun.co.uk

 Usually, the sock & sandal combo I see with men is black socks with sandals. 

Really - why socks with sandals? Doesn't it defeat the purpose of cooler feet? It certainly isn't stylish, so that can't be it.  The only age group that can carry off socks and sandals are very little girls. Knock it off, people!



pauloflaherty.com





hocuspukeus.deviantart.com

Enough already with the muffin top jeans and other pants.  Please.  It looks like hell, it isn't flattering to any body let alone anybody, regardless of weight or fitness level.



zimbio.com
I still don't know what's going on with Beyonce's shorts in these photographs.  Is that a pocket hanging out?





laikepo.blogspot.com

 Can we abolish shorty-shorts and ultra-mini skirts? Unless you're posing for a men's magazine, that is.  Otherwise, shorty-shorts and ultra-mini skirts . . . ugh.    And the woman in the mini-skirt.  That patch of denim looks more like an ineffective bandage.



kittyklan.livejournal.com
Forever solves the mystery of "boxers or briefs."



abcnews.go.com

I still haven't figured out how wearing your jeans below your butt cheeks could possibly be comfortable or stylish.  Many say the style originated in prison , as a way to advertise the man's availability as a sexual partner. 

Whatever the reason, I find it laughable when I tune in to a show like COPS and see some baggy-pantsed guy trying to flee and elude, but his pants are literally tripping him up.  Talk about "dumb criminals."  Get some suspenders, dude. Better yet - get pants that fit.

Wait a minute. How could I possibly aid and abet any criminal wanna-be?  On second thought, keep those baggy pants.  We lock and load at my house, but those baggy pants could be the big tip-off to the neighbors that you're an undesirable person to have around.  Call 911!

Not to mention you look just plain foolish with your pants on the ground.

Wouldn't it have been interesting if this Voice of Reason

had made the American Idol finals?



holytaco.com
I bet her parents are proud.



whaletailworld.com

I don't care what kind of underwear you wear.  Boxers, briefs, granny tighty-whities, bikinis, thongs.  Do I have to see them?  Is it absolutely necessary for everyone in public to witness the turning and churning of your other cheeks as you walk down the street?  For Chrissakes, will you either pull up your pants or pull your shirt down so I don't need eye wash for the rest of my life?

What summer trends do you wish would disappear forever?

Hair Accessories

Let's hope we're a little more enlightened in 2013 than we were in 2008 when it comes to hair accessories.  Oh hell, what am I thinking? Look at how we dress. Of course enlightenment hasn't happened yet . . .

Sometimes, when I leave my house and have lunch with other grown ups, we have some really interesting conversations.  Not all of the talk centers around bodily functions like farting, burping, arm pit noises, or vomit, as it does when I eat with my children, or my brothers.

I can't say that this conversation went above and beyond the usual, because it had to do with condoms being recycled for hair bands. 

My first thought, after the initial "THAT IS SO FREAKING GROSS!" is that this had to be one of those Internet Hoaxes that everyone gets in their email.  You know, stuff along the lines of "if you don't forward this, you'll have bad luck for ten years," or "If you do forward this, you'll get a million dollars from Bill Gates."

So I did some checking, and sure enough, this is NOT a hoax, it is theTRUTH.  The best source I've found online for checking hoaxes (need we revisit Richard Gere and the gerbils?) is Snopes.com, and sure enough they had the scoop on the recycled condoms.

I can't help but wonder--who in the world would think about recycling condoms?  One article states that the condoms that were "supposed" to be used as hair bands were the condoms that didn't pass the muster at the factory. They were not up to standard, and instead of being sent to recycling directly, someone in China had the bright idea that these should be used as hair bands--twine some pretty cloth and thread around them, and voila! Instant hair decoration!

Talk about keeping the short and curlies nice and tidy.

Ewwwww.

But to use "abandoned" condoms? What--did the people of China walk the back alleys and pick up used condoms that were lying in ditches and say "Hey, I think I'll use this to help put my daughter's hair into a pony tail!"

I wonder if they were given a special rate for how many they brought in.  One dozen used condoms--a free package of hair bands is your reward.

I suspect that dollar stores across America have some of these hanging on their displays, still.  I admit I used to buy pony tail holders there--the way my daughter lost them, it wasn't worth it to me to spend $4.99 per package at a name-recognizable store just for pony tail holders. The ones I purchased didnot in any way resemble the bands that are pictured in the recycled condom article.  Though I suppose I could cut apart the remaining hair bands and see for myself just what exactly the damned things are made of.

I'm for recycling, and think that there is a lot of waste that goes on in this country. I try to combat it on my own level, though, starting with my own household.  We break down boxes to set out on recycling day. I don't bag my grass clippings, much to the general chagrin of the neighborhood, I'm sure. Someone keeps such an eye on my lawn care or lack thereof that they sent a lawn and garden company to my door to offer a neighborhood discount if they could spray my weeds.  I grow a garden for my own vegetables, and I reuse my plastic and paper bags.

We do other things to attempt to recycle, too, but used condoms? People, some things are just too gross for words or consideration. I just can't believe that somebody out there thought putting condoms in the hair of children was a good idea.  What's next? Shall we see them in the balloon aisle, to be distributed as party favors?

No doubt someone is sputtering that the condoms are decorated, so what's the big deal? It's not like you'd know it's a condom, unless you took the hair band apart...

Well, if I scrub my cat's heinie with your toothbrush and you don't see me, does that still make it ok?

I must make one thing clear: I am making the assumption that dollar stores are likely the places who have been selling these recycled condom cum hairbands.  I suppose your local name-recognized retailer might be just as guilty. Who knows? Either way, buyer beware--and if you're in doubt, take one of those hairbands and cut it apart. 

If it contains a condom, return it to the place of purchase and suggest the condom be used for its intended purpose and not as a child's hair decoration.

Ick.