Commemorative Plate Hell and other things we should learn to live without

Every Sunday newspaper brings with it many advertisements for useful as well as entirely useless "What the HELL were they thinking" things.



What the HELL were they thinking?

The prize this week goes to whomever decided monkeys were really cute and marketed this (photo at right). 

In my opinion, the only cute monkey is the one behind bars in a zoo, or running wild in some place I'll never encounter it. I personally find monkeys rather . . . disgusting.

Curious George,
who was a good little monkey
and always curious.
newton.lib.ia.us

Except for Curious George.  Who was, as we all know, a good little monkey and always curious. 

I don't know what it is.  Perhaps there are more people in this world with a large amount of expendable income who are really into collecting this sort of thing. 

I have nothing against people who want to collect things, because I have my fair share of "collections" like books, stickers, and stationery products that I use up, and fabric (which I also use up) and stuff like that.  But - I really wonder WHY in the world would anybody want to collect a statue of a monkey named "Mollie" who is wearing a toddler girl outfit and not looking at all the least bit cuddly? Oh, and this object can be had "for 5 interest-free installments of just $29.99" (that translates into just $149.95, if you don't want to do the math).

Michaelangelo's David
garden-statues.com

What .... did Michaelangelo create this creepy looking monkey, and thus justify the cost?

Princess Diana & Prince Charles
Too bad he turned into a frog
thriftshop.net

I think not.

The next worst thing, I think, would be to start purchasing commemorative plates.  I know I want to memorialize Princess Diana & Prince Charles, Elvis (young and swinging, as well as old and pudgy), the Beatles, and various objects that let the world know how materialistic I really am - like motorcycles, antique cars, and whatnot.

"Now they're singing for Jesus."
sonic.net

I'm thinking my personal favorite, though is this one.

For all I know, Jesus liked Elvis's gospel tunes as well as the irrepressibly danceable "Jailhouse Rock."  He might also have greatly enjoyed "Thriller" and "She's Outta my Life." Perhaps Jesus even, for a time, donned a sparkled glove and slicked his hair back in an Elvis-style pompadour.

Somehow though, the image of Our Savior with his arms outstretched and upraised in the background of a man in black who looks like a circus clown and a man who looks, without his mic, like he might be ready to vomit, doesn't strike me as particularly - reverent - let alone like He is happy to have Elvis and Michael bopping about in the heavenly clouds.

I wonder, instead, if our Savior is saying, "Aw come on Dad, do I HAVE to have my picture taken for a commemorative plate with these two?  I mean, I like Elvis - he was a good boy and loved his mother (Jesus, and America, too), and I know Michael was a good boy when he was a boy, but - well, I'm really not sure this is an image I want to portray to our faithful, Dad . . . Can I take a rain check?"



Thursday Miscellany

• When your kids are sick, are you the sympathetic mom who hovers just the right amount, always there to soothe a fevered brow, receiving thankful looks and wan smiles from your little patient?  Or do you turn into drill sergeant mom, who barks orders at the sick child to "DRINK THAT, OR ELSE!" and "WAKE UP! IT'S TIME FOR YOUR MEDICINE!"  Which mom are you, and why?




• You must remember the special supplies you used in school - those things that were only hauled out when you were learning a new skill that required a ruler, or a compass? Think of the things you'd do with that ruler.  Helicopters. Swords. All-purpose whacking sticks.  Markers were fun, too - who didn't stack them end-to-end to see if it would stand up in a sword fight before teacher turned around? Remember the big, pink erasers? They served better as pencil holders than erasers:  Dig that pencil tip into the eraser - there! You can always find your pencil, now.  What is the goofiest thing you ever used your school supplies for? The following comes to you courtesy of GraphJam:









• Mental Floss contains a host of articles to keep you procrastinating researching busy for a few hours.  Since Halloween is coming up, here are a few costumes from the article "Halloween Costumes to Inflict upon the Innocent."   What is your favorite Halloween costume from childhood?








Baby lobster: Who could resist?











Come on, we all know you blame your own farts
on the baby.



• Just in case you thought YOUR workplace was the only truly bizarre place to be, check this out:






"Meet Chuck, the Dark Lord of data entry."  Picture Itookatwork.com

And you thought YOU had the co-worker from hell?  P.S.  When your religious education director asks you what you like the kids to call you, "Spawn of Satan" is probably not the best answer.  Did you ever work with someone who truly gave you the willies?




• A final nod to Halloween, courtesy of GraphJam. How do you rate your Halloween candy? Or, rather, your kids' Halloween candy?  I know the chocolate always ranked first, and the Slo Pokes toward the bottom of the list, along with the ubiquitous hard lumps of Bazooka Gum, which was only closely preceded by DumDum Suckers.  Just in case your brain is still on sugar overload from last year's Halloween intake, here's a handy-dandy chart to help you organize which treats to pilfer from the children:



graphjams.com

Halloween 2010

Random thoughts on Halloween 2010:

 



thevault.cx
Well, at least he wore a
costume.

• 344 trick-or-treaters, including 5 adults. 
• Really, adults?  Get a job and buy your own candy.  On November 1st, the candy is marked down at all the stores. You can get that bag of Reese's Peanut Butter Cups for half-price.  Though I do appreciate that you at least put on a mask in an attempt to be festive.
• One friend has pondered saving candy wrappers and putting a note inside saying, "Grow up," and putting those in the candy bags of the adults who come to her door.
• Poor little guy who came to the door, looking woebegone.  Face all scabby like he'd had an encounter with Freddy Krueger days before, wearing a vacant expression, and not quite making eye-contact, with a worn-out mom in the background encouraging him to "Say trick or treat, honey."  This little guy doesn't need Halloween once a year - he needs it more often because it looks like every day is hell for him.
• Pre-teens in hot pants and fishnet stockings: I know it's a Halloween costume, but something tells me you really don't mind wandering the neighborhood - or anywhere else - on a going basis,with your ass half-exposed.  HEAVY SIGH  I'm so glad that the kids I escorted had their body parts decently covered.



ipernity.com
Actually, the young girl I saw
was showing a little more
cheek.

• Our town has no "set" trick or treat hours, but typically kids start around 5:30 p.m., or whenever it starts getting dark, whichever comes first.  One gleesome threesome started making the rounds at around 3:45 p.m.  What the heck?  That's a little bit early, in my estimation. After a few rounds of door pounding, doorbell ringing, and hollering "trick-or-treat," the kids packed into the family car and drove off - bags empty.  With 344 kids on the average, if we start handing out candy at 3:45 p.m., it'll never last.



Not exactly the costume
I saw, but close enough.
chasing-fireflies.com

• Which leads me to this:  If you're trick or treating that early in this neighborhood, it's obvious you don't live in this neighborhood.  Yes, I know. There are kids who live out in the country where there are not homes close enough together to easily partake of free treats; apartment dwelling kids; kids in unsafe neighborhoods, etc.  But I know darned well that there are not 344 children in residence in this neighborhood in which I live.  Halloween is easily becoming an expensive holiday for this household, running second only to Christmas (and that's another story).
 



wondercostumes.com
Don't sit on his lap!

• Cutest costume award goes to the toddler dressed as a turkey - a brown body suit with tail feathers stuck on the back side, which bounced delightfully at every step. 
• Coolest costume award goes to the 6-foot tall Darth Vader who came to the door with a little Princess Leia in tow.
• Most interesting and creative costume award goes to the kid dressed as a Whoopee Cushion.
• Many, many children said "thank you" upon receipt of their treat. Good job, moms and dads!

It's the Great Pumpkin,
Charlie Brown

1. Do you think every town should have a set time for trick-or-treats?
2. Do you think kids/adults of a certain age should be banned from public trick-or-treating?
3. Would you give an adult candy at trick-or-treat time, costumed or not?
4. Do you give parents candy when you know darn well the baby/toddler isn't going to eat it?
5. Do you have a candy hierarchy based on creativity of costume, age of trick-or-treater, or do you prefer "candy equally to all" on Halloween?

pbase.com
Happy Halloween, everyone!



Beating the Winter Weather Blahs

Snow storm, February 2, 2011

If your neighborhood is looking like this and it's too bitterly cold to kick the kids outdoors for even five minutes and they're going crazy indoors, you need some activities to keep them occupied.

• Clean your room!  My mother used to tell us girls to do this when we'd complain "There's nothing to dooOOoooOO!"  Suddenly, we found lots to occupy our time.  All kidding aside, snow days are good days to clean rooms.  Even if you just tackle the closet and the dresser drawers - weed out those items that no longer fit, reorganize a little, and suddenly - a few hours of boredom have been killed!
• Bake.  I suggested that Big Sister take inventory of the baking supplies and see if there was enough in stock to do any cookie baking.  So far, she hasn't taken me up on that offer.  If you're housebound and can't get your car out of the driveway for that emergency cup of sugar, you might consider making some "play-dough" with the kids.  PlaydoughRecipe.com has a variety of recipes that should fit any list of ingredients you have on hand, from "Berry Playdough" to "Jello Playdough" to the "Traditional Playdough." Enjoy!
•  

  

  cgi.ebay.co.uk
  Retro Stay Alive Board Game

  Dig out a few board games.  If, like us, you have family board games that haven't seen the light of day since their purchase five years ago, a snow day is the perfect opportunity to dust them off. Our "Stay Alive" board game is so old, it actually looks like the one in the picture, at right.  There are only enough marbles for three players, but no matter - the kids were giggling madly as they ganged up on me to sink my marbles.  Don't forget Uno, Spoons, Dominoes, and Chinese Checkers.
• If you still have power and board games aren't for you, the kids can always zone out for a bit with the Wii or other computer games. 
• Make popcorn and plug in a good movie. Or, play a game with the television. We always complain that there are 57 channels and nothing's on, so why not try this? Turn on a show. Any show. At the first commercial break, find a channel that is playing the scheduled program. Watch it until the next commercial break. Change the channel until you find one that is playing the scheduled program.  Repeat.  Try to get through all 57 or however many channels you have.  Movie channels are off-limits and so are infomercials.  As long as the programs are appropriate for the age of the viewers, see how many different shows you can expose yourself to, and discover something interesting.  You can also do this with the radio - good for long car trips.
•  

  

  Time to get scrapbooking!
  commons.wikipedia.com

  Get going on those projects you keep putting off! Is your child ready to graduate college and you still haven't put the baby pictures in the scrapbook? Better get going!  Or, finish that quilt you've been talking about finishing for the last three years.  Finish painting the bathroom.  Paint your toenails. Groom the dog.  Clean the grout in the shower. All right, just kidding about some of those. Spending some time with an enjoyable project is an excellent way to help the time fly, and to get the kids involved with something besides antagonizing each other.
 



dptny.org
Valentine for a Veteran
"We love our Veterans!"

• Make Valentines.  If your kids get on a roll and you have more valentines than recipients, please consider Valentines for Veterans. In fact, make it a point to make more valentines than you need - if you're unable to find a local Veteran group to be the recipients of your children's art work, there are always nursing homes and hospitals with patients who would love to recieve a handmade Valentine. 
• You could make junior practice his piano lessons.
• Declare the day to be a media-free day. No computers, i-pods, cell phones (texting is abolished), television, video games, etc. 
• Curl up with a good book. Read to the kids, have them read to you. Whether you rely on old childhood favorites or to an action/adventure read-aloud, just enjoy it.
• For older kids, you might try window painting. I know - it sounds crazy. But, provided the paint goes where it should, it's inexpensive and fun.  Acrylic paints work well, though any paint will do. Windows are cleaned of paint via razor blade (responsible adult, please!) and window cleaner once you're tired of the design.  You don't have to be particularly artistic - just paint something and have fun.

The exterior view of a painted window, using acrylic paint.

Charles Schulz's Snoopy and Woodstock

If you can make it through the crazy snowy days of winter, in no time at all the kids will be done with school and ready for summer time boredom.  Good luck!

Miscellaneous Monday

It's just another Miscellaneous Monday . . .

 



Damn you, farting
autocorrect

• If people hate the auto-correct function on their cell phones so much, why use it? I wonder if that function was created by people who have little knowlege of the American English Language. Judging from the auto-correct features I'm seeing . . . ? Naaaah. Whoever created auto-correct knows exactly just the right amount of the English language. Damn you, Autocorrect!



coolchaser.com

• Does anyone else wish that the makers of Crayola crayons would include more than one black crayon in each box? I find that the black crayon is one of the most used crayons in any box, and that the box of 8 crayons should be bumped up to 9 - just to include an extra black crayon. 



cwconnect.computerworld.com.br

• High-heeled shoes.  Oh my.  You know just how high the pumps are now that women are wearing, and for daily work wear, too, not just for bar-hopping.  I saw a woman tottering through our local Meijer store recently, leaning on her shopping cart in order to walk, her ankles bending at dangerous angles as she slowly made her way down the aisle.  Ladies, if the heels on your shoes are so high that you can't safely walk, then don't wear the freaking shoe. Good grief. Rather than serving to make you look sexy or sophisticated or stylish, you just look plain old ridiculous.  Even a little girl playing dress-up in mommy's closet has more fashion sense.  Either learn how to walk in your "walking on my tippiest tippy-toe toes shoes" or relegate them to the back of your closet for good.
•  

  

  fanlistings.org

  Oh Charlie, it was good to know you.  Irascible and handsome rake that you are, you're just too far over the edge right now.  "Let's talk about something exciting. Me," says Charlie. Well - sorry. You can join ranks with Mel Gibson, another former hottie who has gone over the edge.  Do you two share the same DNA? Adonis DNA, perhaps? A 12-step program is exactly what you need right now, though you may scoff.
• 

  

  signaramacolumbus.com

  Having recently become much more sensitive to the needs of those who use wheelchair or other equipment in their daily lives, I've been noticing more often the interesting uses of handicapped parking spaces.  Not every person parked in a handicapped space is visibily in need, and that's fine by me as long as that person is displaying the proper sign in or on their vehicle.  I really, REALLY hate seeing cars parked in handicapped spaces without the requisite rear-view tag, or license plate.  Seriously? If you people need help becoming handicapped so you can park up close to a building, then see me. I'm sure there's a crowbar somewhere that can crack a kneecap or two and help you out.  Oh. And parking in handicapped just to pick up your take-out order is UNACCEPTABLE.  You are not a rock star. Rock star parking doesn't exist for mere mortals (only for those with Adonis DNA) and your restaurant take-out order doesn't qualify you for even temporary handicapped parking.  Give it up, people.

Happy Monday, all!

http://icanhascheezburger.com/
Yup, Mondays can be like that.

Cell Phone Harmony: A-one...a-two...a-three...

picturesof.net

It's that time of year when parents of children of all ages are invited to hear the accumulation of a years' worth of work.

That is, if your child is involved in some sort of music program.

Every spring, my kids were tortured pleased to participate in a spring music program in elementary school.  This consisted of kids taking the stage according to grade level and singing such hits as, "My Bonny Lies Over the Ocean."  Parents waited patiently and applauded enthusiastically at the end of each number, and no one could stifle grins once the kindergarteners took the stage.



fccdundee.com

Once the kids hit middle school, the music program gets a little more serious. The admiration toward the elementary music director over how she can tease music out of kids drawn in squiggle-vision turns to real awe once you hear the middle school choir.

We recently attended the spring concert for my daughter, Big Sister, and what a treat that was.  A choir for each of three grades, varying numbers of participants, and excellent talent and skill across the board.

The only discordant notes to be heard were those of a cell phone.

Heavy sigh.

I've said it a million times, but I suppose I must say it again - though if you're a semi-regular reader, I know I'm just preaching to the choir (no joke intended, as this is about something that occurred during a choir concert):



electricalres.com

TURN OFF THE CELL PHONE.

Please.  For the listening pleasure of the rest of the crowd, turn off the cell phone.  Let me repeat that once more:

Turn off the cell phone.

The discordant jangle of the cell phone occurred a few times over the course of the evening.  To listen to the songs of three grades took just about one hour.  60 minutes of an audience's time to hear their child sing, and a few people couldn't live without their cell phones.

I believe my sister summed it up best, when she experienced this at her son, Bud's, band concert this spring:

"Mom and dad, am I so unimportant that I can't have fifteen minutes of your undivided time and attention so I can share with you some of the things I've learned this year?"

Yes, Virginia, you are unimportant.

You are SO unimportant that mommy and daddy cannot possibly distance themselves from their electronic gadgets more than two seconds in order to give you time and attention.  Don't worry, honey.  You can always text them from your seat onstage and let them know you're there.

 One rather incongruous thing happened at Bud's concert, though.  One of the students had a cell phone announce its presence just before it was time to play.



christianschooljournal.com

I wonder how many parents thought, huffily, "WHAT does a SEVENTH GRADER need with a CELL PHONE.  It's the SPRING CONCERT for PETE'S SAKE."

Well.  Whatever his reasons, he no doubt learned it from the adults in his life.

Skytel cellular phone commercial, youtube.com.

Remember this gem?

Ten Things I'd like to tell Other Parents (but probably won't)

This week's idea comes from Mama Kat, who wanted to hear the ten things other people told me about my parenting skills (unsolicited advice, of course - because it's the best kind, right?). Aside from hearing, periodically, that my children's misbehavior is due to "poor parenting," I can't think of anything more insulting to say.

Instead, I'm going to insult everyone else and list the top ten things I'd like to say to other parents - but probably never will, because then they might hit me.

1.  It's cold out.  I see you're wearing a jacket and a hat, but your tyke isn't. What the hell is wrong with you? Cover that baby up!


articles.sfgate.com
ok - this kid is old enough to know
better - but when they aren't old enough,
PARENTS are supposed to take care of
things.

 2.   Will you please wipe that child's nose? It's obviously dripping, and just ignoring it isn't going to make it go away.  Neither is pretending you don't see when the child wipes his/her nose on the shopping cart.



flickr.com
PUHLEEZE WIPE THIS NOSE NOW!

 3.  When the entire waiting room can smell poop, and your child is the only one in diapers, would you please quit gassing the rest of us and go change the diaper? Your child will thank you, and so will the rest of us. (Yes, this happened once, in a doctor's waiting room).

4.  Do you *really* think it's appropriate for your little girl to wear shorts or sweatpants that read "JUICY" across the butt? Again, what the hell is wrong with you?

5.  Is it *really* necessary to schedule your child for non-stop activities? Does your child ever get to just be a kid, and have some down-time for non-scheduled, non-adult supervised play? You know, like back in the good old days, when the kid could say, "Going for a bike ride," and mom would call out, "Be home for dinner"?



mormonchic.com
Divide this little picture up into 8 more
segments, now. And throw in a couple
more kids, to boot.

6.  No, I don't want to hear your little darling sing the Alphabet song or George Carlin's list of words you can't say on t.v. just because I happen to be a captive audience.

7.  Is it wise to allow your third grader to watch R-rated slasher flicks like "Friday the 13th"? I realize they're probably too old for Winnie the Pooh, but somehow Freddy Krueger doesn't seem like much of an age-appropriate improvement.



flickr.com
Freddy - your kid's new
bff

 8.  Yeah, I know the kids are corralled in a tight space and it isn't the most ideal situation, and sometimes you have to bring the kids because the baby-sitter arrangements fell through at the last minute.  And I know that even the most well-behaved kids will act up (and out) at the most inopportune and inappropriate times.  However, it's really not fair to the rest of us to be witness to your child/ren's rampaging all over the waiting room (or other public area) while you hide behind your book or newspaper.  Please - will you keep an eye on your children and quit making the village watch out for their safety?



aztextpress.wordpress.com
What a sweetheart!


9.  It's ok to discipline your child in public and private. I don't agree with public beatings, slaps, smacks, throwdowns, etc. But it's perfectly fine to firmly say, "No" and stick by it.  It's hard at first, but believe me - your child, and the rest of the people s/he interacts with, will thank you some day.


sodahead.com
But dad, I've heard YOU say
that word!

 10.  I know it's always 10:00 a.m. somewhere, but here it happens to be 10:00 p.m.  The toddler in your grocery cart is obviously overwrought and exhausted, cranky, and irritable.  Do you honestly expect us to believe that 10:00 p.m. is the *only* time you can get out to the store to get those critical items you need, like your thong panties and 6-pack? Do your child a favor and GO HOME and put that poor child to bed.



shutterstock.com
Take that poor kid home
and put him to bed!